Some may find it hard to understand such ferocious self-directed irony. We simply know ourselves -- and would rather laugh than cry on our faults. The best way to learn about Lebanese faults is by listening to their own jokes.

You live in Beirut when:

1. You can't speak in just one language for more than two sentences straight.

2. You know people by their cars... "Tony with the silver BMW, not the blue one. Tony with the blue one was hanging out with Jean with the black Mercedes. They were met up by Georges with the Red GTI"

3. The guy who polishes your shoes for 250 lira (16 cents) has a brand new state of the art cell phone.

4. You can't get a job because you're not Syrian, Filipino, Sri Lankan, or Egyptian.

5. You have family members in at least three other continents.

6. During the World Cup, you forget what country you're in because of all the Brazilian, German, French, and Italian flags hanging on people's cars, balconies, and over the street.

7. The driver in front of you has a "Michael Schumacher" sticker on his rear window.

Courtesy of Dany!

Tony, a Lebanese businessman, talks to his son.

Tony: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: I will choose my own bride
Tony: But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter
Son: Well, in that case...

Next Tony approaches Bill Gates
Tony: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry
Tony: But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case...

Finally Tony goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Tony: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
President: But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.
Tony: But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case.....


An interesting theory on the World Cup

Brazil last won the World Cup in 1994. Before that, it had won in 1970.
Add 1970 and 1994: the sum is 3964

Argentina last won the World Cup in 1986. Before that, it had won in 1978.
Add 1978 and 1986: the sum is 3964

Germany last won the World Cup in 1990. Before that, it had won in 1974.
Add 1974 and 1990: the sum is 3964

Therefore, according to this logic, the winner of the World Cup 2002 should be the same as 1962 as 3964 - 2002 = 1962.

The World Cup in 1962 had also been earned by Brazil. Our theory is therefore verified.

Hence Lebanese supporters have good reason to rejoice. Lebanon has never won the World Cup, therefore it is likely to win it in 3964.


A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks what they do there. He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Lebanese hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks: "What do they do here?"
He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Lebanese devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells- why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work; someone stole all the nails, and the devil used to be a government employee, so he comes in, punches his time-card and then goes back home..."


How does a Lebanese commit suicide?
By jumping from his ego to his IQ.


The following joke appeared online right after the tragic events of September 11. Faced with the accusation of harbouring terrorists, the people reacted with the usual humorous self-deprecation.

Mrs Abdalla comes to visit her son Samir for 3 days in London where he is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Vikki, a female roomate. Mrs Abdalla couldn't help but notice how pretty Samir's roommate was. She suspects of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Reading his mom's thoughts, Samir volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Samir saying,"Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugarbowl. You don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left back to Beirut.
Love,
Samir

Several days later, Samir received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love,
Mom.

The moral of the story is: Don't Lie to Your Mother... especially if she is Lebanese.


An elderly Lebanese man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sweet, freshly baked ma3moul, wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite ma3moul. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Lebanese wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous scent of the fresh ma3moul was already teasing his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a warm ma3moul at the edge of the table, when suddenly -- WHHAACCKK!! -- his hand was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife......

"Don't touch that! These are for the funeral!"

Abu-l-Abed is the Lebanese "joke character", a bit like Little Johnny in the US or Toto in France. He incarnates the Lebanese's wits and all their worst faults. Emm-Abed, his wife, from what we may gather a cross between a mamma and a goat, is constantly talked down and victim of the most horrifyingly macho treatments. Abu Steif is Abu-l-Abed's comical relief, as if that were possible -- an additional and flexible character in whom he can confide or play tricks on, depending. Abu-l-Abed jokes can be really raunchy, but I'm only posting a family-friendly selection!

Abu-l-Abed and Abu Steif are talking one afternoon:

Abu-l-Abed: I really need a vacation. Only this year I'm going to do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Cyprus. I went to Cyprus and Emm-Abed got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Greece, and Emm-Abed got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Turkey and damn, Emm-Abed got pregnant again.

Abu Steif: So, what you going to do this year that's different?

Abu-l-Abed: This year I'm taking Emm-Abed with me


Abu-l-Abed is explaining to Claudia Schiffer that in Lebanon there are two Gods: one for Christians and one for Muslims. Shocked, Claudia tells him he is wrong, it is the same God for all. Out of arguments, Abu-l-Abed snaps:

"Ya Claudia? Enno beddik t'an3eeneh enno Allah yalle khala'ik enteh huwwe Allah zéto yalle khala' Emm-Abed???"
("Ho, Claudia? Are you trying to convince me that the God that gave birth to you is the same God that gave birth to Emm-Abed???")


At the Olympics, Abu-l-Abed qualified for the free diving competition. The finalists are an Italian, American and himself. The American says that he can jump from a 10 meter high into a pool containing 1 meter of water. He manages to jump successfully. The Italian sys he'll do the same but only with half a meter of water in the pool. Again he succeeds. Finally Abu-l-Abed's turn comes. He says that he will jump into an empty pool, with only a towel at the bottom. His coach tries to talk him out of it, but no do. So Abu-l-Abed goes up and dives only to land on the towel and end up seriously injured. He is rush to the hospital, where his friends come to visit.
"Walaw Abu-l-Abed, didnt' we tell you you were going to hurt yourself?"
"If I get my hands on the bastard who squeezed the towel..."


Abu-l-Abed went to London to work as a taxi driver. A few months later he was fired and returned to Lebanon.His friends and family asked him what happened. "
You know in London people drive on the left side of the road. It took me a few accidents to get used to this way of driving. The company was understanding and they forgave me for that. Bass hal baz'a ma kénet tetla3 3al yameen... (I couldn't bring myself to spit on the right side)"


Abu-l-Abed has been learning English. The day of the exam comes:

Examiner: "How do you say: Ta3a la hón?" ("Come here")
Abu-l-Abed: " Come here"
Examiner:"How do you say: Roo7 la honeek?" ("Go there")
Abu-l-Abed: "I go there and I say: Come here."


Abu-l-Abed watched a Western and came out of the theater so hyped up he tried to pick on someone to start a fight.

"Meen beddo ykhéne'? Meen beddo ykhéne'? Ana beddé khéne'!" ("Who wants to fight? I want to fight!")

A large guy looked him in the eyes and said: "I want to fight."

Abu-l-Abed took a quick look at him and went on: "Sirna tnén, meen beddo ykhéne'??" ("There's two of us now, who wants to fight??")


(The generator mentioned in this one is a private electricity generator, something every household tried to own during the war because there was no electricity. They were incredibly noisy and despicable)

Abu-l-Abed met up with Abu Steif in a coffeeshop. Abu Steif looked upset.

AA: What's up Abu Steif? You don't look happy.
AS: Abu-l-Abed, I know that you bought a generator and I am happy for you. But your generator is a little noisy. Why is it working at 6 o'clock in the morning?
AA: Walaw ya Abu Steif, in the morning while having coffee with Emm Abed it's nice to listen to Om Kalthoum on the radio, so we have to turn it on.
AS: Fine, but why is this generator also working at noon?
AA: Walaw ya Abu Steif, while having a good meal with Em El Abed it's nice to have the A/C on, so we have to turn on the generator.
AS: Fine Abu El Abed, but the generator is also working in the afternoon, can you tell me why?
AA: Walaw ya Abu Steif, In the afternoon before the siesta, it is nice to take a hot shower, so we have to turn on the generator.
AS: Alright, whatever, but the generator is also working in the evening.
AA: Well of course! Our son Abed is studying, it is bad for his eyes to study by candlelight.
AS: Abu El Abed, I understand why this generator is working in the morning, at noon, in the afternoon and during the evening. But can you tell me why it also has to be working at 4 o'clock in the morning?
AA: What's wrong with you? What do we do with the VAPE?? (VAPE is a mosquito deterrent that needs to be plugged into an electricity outlet)


Abu-l-Abed came back from the US and all his friends came to ask him what America was like.
"America is great, it must be one of the greatest countries in the World!"
"How great? Tell us more!"
"For example, in New York, they have buildings so tall that a few days before I left, a guy jumped from the roof and it took him 3 days to hit the ground..."
"Wow! Did he die?"
"3 days without water or food and you want him to live!?"


Abu-l-Abed, Emm Abed, and Abed were driving to Bhamdoun for the week-end. As they were leaving Beirut, the 8-year-old Abed started asking questions:
Abed: Dad, how do stop-lights work?
Abu-l-Abed: I am not sure how. There is a certain mechanism that make them sometimes green and sometimes red. I am not sure what this mechanism is.
Abed: Dad, can anyone become a policeman?
Abu-l-Abed: I am not sure exactly. You may need to get some training somewhere. But how, when, and what type of training I don't know.
Abed: Dad, who makes the road we drive on?
Emm Abed: Abed, shut up and let your father drive.
Abu-l-Abed: La' ya mara. Triki l-walad yitsa''af. ("No, woman! Let the child gain some knowledge.")

George Bush was sitting in his oval office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Bush", said a heavily accented voice. "This is Abu-l-Abed, down here at 'ahwet l-Rawche. I am callin' to tell you dat we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well Archie," Bush replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Abul Abed, after a moment's calculation "there is myself, my cousin Maroun, my next-door-neighbor Abu Yussef, and the whole team from the 'ahwe. That makes eight!"
Bush paused. "I must tell you Abu-l-Abed, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Abu-l-Abed. "I'll have ta call you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Abu-l-Abed called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Abul Abed?", Bush asked.
"Well sir, we have two Mercedes 180, and a truck."
Bush sighed. "I must tell you Abu-l-Abed, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Ya lateef", said Abu-l-Abed, "I'll be getting back to you."

Sure enough, Abu-l-Abed rang again the next day. "Mr. B, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We modified a helicopter wiz a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four more neighbors have joined us as well!"
Bush was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Abu-l-Abed that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Lah lah lah lah," said Abul Abed, "I'll have to call you back."

Sure enough, Abu-l-Abed called again the next day. "Mr. Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Bush. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well, sir," said Abu-l-Abed, "we all sat down and had a long chat, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain (Abou Sayyah) welcoming you to Syrian Air. We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery. This is flight 126 to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village! Syrian Air has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off! To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits! For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs,we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window. No smoking is allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we get a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark! Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belt. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase.


A Homsi went shopping in Lebanon. He went to a store and said, "Do you have 'Beirut-boo'?". The clerk replied "Sorry, I've never heard of it". So he went into a second store and asked, "Do you have 'Beirut-boo'?". The clerk again replied "Sorry, I've never heard of it." The Homsi said "What do you mean you don't have 'Beirut-boo'. How do you wash your hair? In Syria we have 'Sham-boo'!!!"
(Sham is the Arabic name of Syria).


In Homs, there was a big hole in the ground. Everyday people would fall into this hole and injure or even kill themselves. So the mayor of Homs sent three ministers to visit the hole and attempt to find a solution. So the first minister said, "We'll just park an ambulance by the hole, and when someone falls in, we'll just drive them to the Hospital."

The second minister said, "No, No... the nearest Hospital is over an hour away. They will die before they get to the Hospital. We should just build a Hospital here next to the hole. This way, when someone falls in, the Hospital is right here."

The third minister said, "What a waste of money! Let's just fill this hole and dig another hole next to the hospital!"


Q: How do you keep a Homsi busy all day?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

Q: How do you make a homsi laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Q: Why did the homsi stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: How do you keep a homsi busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: Why can't homsis make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: How did the homsi try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.

Q: Why did 18 homsis go to a movie?
A: Because the movie was forbidden below 18.

Q: What do you call a homsi in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: Why did the homsi take his typewriter to the doctor?
A: He thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

A Homsi ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Homsi #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Homsi #2: "No, who wrote it?"

What about the Homsi wife who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man.

Homsi: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
Man: "It's 3:15."
Homsi looking puzzled: "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

A homsi was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, he said to himself "oh well !" and turned around and drove home.


A Lebanese man was driving when he came to a Syrian Military checkpoint, staffed by a battalion that consisted of young men from Homs. The young soldier pointed his rifle into this man's window and asked to see his papers. The he asked him to get out of the car and open his trunk. Realizing that if the soldier saw what was in his trunk he would be arrested, he told the young Homsi soldier that if took his foot off the break, his car would roll down the hill. He instructed the soldier to get in the car and step on the break while the man opened the trunk. The man opened the trunk and yelled to the soldier sitting in the car that there was nothing suspicious there. The young Homsi was satisfied and the thanked the Lebanese man and sent him on his way!
(I suspect this to be a true story. It certainly could have been!)


The 7-up company began running a new promotion in the Middle East. They were giving away instant prizes by getting the winning bottle cap. When the Homsi bought a bottle of 7-up he lifted his bottle cap and it read "Sorry, please try again!" When the Homsi read this, he proceeded to put the cap back on the bottle and try twisting it off again. To his surprise, the cap said the same thing.


Three Lebanese and three Syrians are traveling by train to a watch a game. At the station, the three Syrians each buy tickets and watch as the three Lebanese buy a single ticket for all of them.
"How are the three people going to travel with only one ticket? " asks a Syrian.
" Watch and you'll see, " answers a Lebanese.
They all board the train. The Syrians take their respective seats but all three Lebanese cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, " Ticket please. " The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Syrians see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Lebanese on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Lebanese don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket? " says one perplexed Syrian.
"Watch and you'll see, " answers a Lebanese.
When they board the train the three Syrians cram into a bathroom and the three Lebanese cram into another bathroom nearby.
Once the train leaves the station, one of the Lebanese leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Syrians are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."


A first grade teacher tells her class that she is Syrian. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Syrian too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, all the students raise their hands.
There is, however, one exception: A girl named Maha has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not a Syrian." replies Maha
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Lebanese," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little upset now. She asks Maha why she is Lebanese.
"My mom and dad are Lebanese, so I'm Lebanese too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"
There's a pause and Maha answers with a smile: "Then, I'd be a Syrian."

1. What language is spoken in Lebanon ?
(a) Lebanese
(b) Urdu
(c) Swahili

2. Write a dissertation about the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is Bin Laden ? (check only one)
(a) Pagan
(b) Atheist
(c) Hindu
(d) Sunni
(e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on 5?

7. How many pepsi bottles in a 24 bottles case ? (answer approximately)

8. What are people in Lebanon called?
(a) Pakistanis
(b) Lebanese
(c) Brazilians

9. Spell - Assad , Lahoud and Bin Laden.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being Georges the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) ABC dbayeh
(b) a Pizza Hut
(c) Cyprus
(d) THE SKY

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. Kulluna Lil Watan is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of Lebanon produces the most oranges?
(a) The coastal strip
(b) Bekaa
(c) Mount Sanin
(d) Faraya

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does LBC (Lebanese Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The L.U. tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting

Note: You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.

A man enters a police station and files a complaint: "A Swiss man just stole my Syrian watch!"
The officer looks at him and rectifies: "Wait a minute, you mean a Syrian man stole your Swiss watch."
The victim replies: "You're the one who said it!"


A Lebanese, a Syrian, and a black man are in a hospital. All of their wives are having a baby. They are nervous and anxious and talking to each other to calm down. After a while the doctor walks in and announces that all of their wives gave birth to healthy baby boys all within minutes of each other. The men start celebrating and congratulating each other, but then the doctor says, "But I have a bit of bad news". The men fall silent. He continues, "The nurse got confused and we don't know which boy belongs to whom". At that the lebanese man runs into the maternity ward and grabs the black baby screaming, "This one is mine!" The doctor runs after him and says, "But sir, both you and your wife are white." The Lebanese man looks at him and replies, "Listen, one of the other two is Syrian, I am NOT taking any chances!"


With the end of the war, Syrian immigrants have been pouring in by the thousands. They are literally swarming the country. Hence jokes such as this one:

Earthquake in Syria! 2,000,000 dead!

USA sending money.

France sending food.

Lebanon sending replacement Syrians!


Until Syria invaded Lebanon, the theft rate was nil and doors could remain unlocked. During the occupation we had to contend not only with the criminal behavior of its least savoury citizens, but with the official and continuous confiscation of Lebanese funds by the Syrian government -- as illustrated by this one:

How many Syrians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three -- One to change it and two to steal it from the Lebanese.

In a recent study, doctors administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of Lebanese and Syrians. While the majority of the Lebanese achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the Syrians simply grew taller.
Researchers are at a loss to explain the phenomenon.

Q. What do you call a cold kiss?
A. Sarkis.

Q. what do you  call a horse from Melbourne?
A. MelbourneTzi.

Q. what do you call a stupid president?
A. ABush

Q. What  do you call an empty bus?
A. Busbarab.

Q. What do you call a  ship that goes straight?
A. ShipShidag.

Q. What do you call a guy under power?
A. VarOoj.

Q. What  do you call Kevork dancing?
A. BarKev.

Q. What do you call half  a rose?
A. VartGes.

Q. What do you call a quiet cat?
A.  Soosig Poosig.

Q. What do you call a skinny Japanese?
A. Nip Nihar.

Q. What would you call a windy ABBA concert?
A.  ABBAhov.

Q. How does an Armenian sheep walk?
A.  Sheepshidag.

Q. How do you call a parking lot next to an Armenian  church?
A. Park Asdezo!